I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
