why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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