yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
