you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
