I just threw up on my dentist
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
