So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
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