I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I'm having to shit out rocks
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
