The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
