i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
