Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
