Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Houston, we have a squirter
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
