Need sex. Gaining weight.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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