Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize