After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
