Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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