Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
