I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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