the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize