I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
