yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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