whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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