uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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