I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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