This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
