So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Randomize
