My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
