Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
