I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
