I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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