I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
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