Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize