she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
