What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
she told me i tasted like america
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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