I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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