Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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