I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
