even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize