she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
