u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You did what with his pubic hair?
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