Just cropdusted the office
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
