He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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