he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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