Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
