Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
