I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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