remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
