Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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