I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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