1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
