Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
