I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
