So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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