And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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