I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
