Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
