found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Blood and glitter go together right?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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