I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
