State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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