eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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